Inner Peace
During the summer we all could use a little calm. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found
inner peace. The article read:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
So I
looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished;
and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine,
a bottle of white wine,
the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some Valium, some
cheesecake and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how good I feel.
-forwarded by email
Idiots of the World
Idiot Number One of 2003
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of
the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her
that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
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Idiot Number Two of 2003
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from
one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the
river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency
locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
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Idiot Number Three of 2003
A true story out of San Francisco :
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America,
walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give
his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached
the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo After waiting a few minutes in line,
he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
he wasn't the brightest
light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit
slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat
defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
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Idiot Number Four of 2003
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from
the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter
on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, because "I don't believe
you are over 21. "The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At
this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and
agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested
the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign!
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Idiot Number Five of 2003
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The
first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.
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Idiot Number Six of 2003
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder
block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor
store window was made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign...when he wakes up
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Idiot Number Seven of 2003
Ann Arbor : The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available
for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
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Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote
(and breed) Scary, isn't it?
Why math is taught in school
(Written By A Very Wise Man)
I was riding to work yesterday when I
observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting
her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.
"Man,
that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I always smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything
to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.
Of these,
16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every
40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles
is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars
that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group
of females, 1 in 28 has P. M. S. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying
or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered
suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National
Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that Every Single Day, I
drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide
or homicide, has P.M.S., and is armed.
Flip one off?
....... I think not.
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Beware! Theft Report!
Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were
stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening
every day.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in
my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal.
Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were
these and what happened to mine?
I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself
to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next.
I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches
lower than
my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier.
Now, my rear complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay
in fashion.
It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning
I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion
of the
hairbrush.
This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a
time. How clever and how fiendish.
Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed,
something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning.
In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My
eyes began to remind people that they needed to buy a new pair of Hush Puppies.
My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.
That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession
by myself. Women of America, wake up and smell the coffee.
That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't
you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you?
I think I finally found my thighs ... and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price
for them!
This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN
YOUR FRIENDS.
P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and
they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they were just hiding in my pajama bottoms. Now I keep them
hidden in my waistband.
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Mother's Lessons
Sound Familiar?!
1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store
with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told ! you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful
parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just
like you!"
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Geriatric Humor IV: Signs of Wear
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes,
and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD"
IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse
goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead
of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS
WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting
up to pee.
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Words Women Use
Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need
to shut up.
Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes
if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Nothing
This
is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually
end in "fine".
Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!
Loud Sigh
Although
not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders
why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over
"Nothing".
That's Okay
This is
one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary.
If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.
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Translation
What Men Say and What They Really Mean
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of
making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever
kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday, our kids' birthdays,
and our anniversary date."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it
well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you nag at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I MISSED YOU."
Means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
